Ridiculous Song #7 - All-American Rejects, "It Ends Tonight"

(I know, a band that plays their own instruments! I hope you were sitting down already. Oh, and THIS ONE IS A TWO-FER, GET PUMPED.)

Your subtleties, they strangle me

I can't explain myself at all

I'm not even going to get into how something intangible like subtleties can literally strangle someone, but you know what? Let's give that to them, chalking it up to poetic license. But really, anything subtle cannot really "strangle" someone (assuming "strangle" can be figurative here). Subtleties usually go relatively unnoticed. But if you're being strangled, you notice. So this part really makes little sense, even if you take it in the least literal way possible. I mean, it's not like you're being strangled by something and then say "Wow! How subtle. I barely even noticed." And you can't explain yourself at all? Really? Because I think you ARE doing that for four minutes and six seconds (I have it on iTunes because I'm just THAT COOL).

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The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving

Walls are breathing? How is that even symbolism? I'm rifling through my brain, trying to find a precedent for this as some metaphor, but it's an epic fail. When walls start breathing, either your heavy-breathing neighbor/family member/lover is invisible, or you just love acid.

And how is your mind unweaving? Again, not really a metaphor that's reflected in erudite literature. This makes no sense. Unless your mind is Tyra Banks between treatments. (Work!)

Ridiculous Song #6 - (The?) Saturdays, "Issues"

Why fight it, cant hide it
Truth is I think I like it
Confusion, illusion
Still I don’t know which way to go…

I decided to make this fledgling little blog because of Snacks and Shit, which does what I do to rap songs, except eleventy gazillion point four times better. Entry #99 is genius, as it makes fun of E-40 for saying "Forty-five, fifty-five, sixty-five, seventy-five, gouda. Eighty-five, ninety-five, wait, what am I doing? Chalupa." The author rightfully states that you can't just "sing" by naming numbers and foods. Those just aren't lyrics.

Similarly, the middle 8 (I have no idea?) of this song, which includes the chorus of "Me and my heart, we've got issues," contains two lines that rhyme: "Why fight...like it." Cool. But then they just sing "confusion, illusion," as if a) these are complete sentences and not just abstract, intagible nouns and b) as if these measly two words extend the idea expressed in the first two lines of this excerpt. Um, but they don't. Just like with E-40, you guys are just saying words. These words have nothing to do with anything.

Good job, (probably Swedish) songwriters, you did a multisyllabic rhyme. Too bad it makes no fucking sense.

Ridiculous Song #5 - Westlife, "Swear it Again"

I'm never gonna say goodbye

'Cause I never wanna see you cry

Okay, who is this freak-ass bitch who will cry whenever someone says goodbye? They're NEVER gonna say goodbye? Really? Hm...

Man: Okay, honey, off to get some groceries. Be back soon. Goodbye!

Woman: [Uncontrollable sobbing, interspersed with gasps for air]

Westlife, you look ridiculous in this picture, which is probably from 1998 when every boy band member had a blonde middle-part haircut (and you were still called Westside). Ygggblecchhhhhhhchh.

Wait, that's not what I wanted to say. Oh, right. Just saying...you have this girl (Mark: guy) who will cry whenever you say goodbye. That's fucking weird. You deserve people who are more stable/awesome...like...uh...me. Except you, Mark. You get a free pass. Damn it (he's the brunette).

Ridiculous Song #4 - Girls Aloud, "Graffiti My Soul"

We should be getting it on

Fly DJ's playing my song

Ok, Girls Aloud/Gorls Alyde (if you're a member whose accent sounds like the linguistic love child of Northern Ireland and Mars). You're probably in a club somewhere, as evidenced by the rest of your INSANELY DEEP lyrics. But you "should be getting it on" just because there's a song you like? That's gross, and pretty trashy. You want to make babies on the dance floor?

Look, I know people make out (and even do more...ew) on the dance floor. But "getting it on" is just taking it WAY too far. No, Neckola, Kimbarlay, Sheeiiiryl, Nuhdeen, and Sayyra!* I don't care if a "fly DJ" (really?) is playing your song. Not an excuse to be a total ho bag.

(This song is legitimately good - yes, I know the title is weird - but some of the lyrics make me vaguely uncomfortable. See above.)

*Wikipedia-ing their names + Northern Ireland/Mars accent = enough to make me giggle.

Ridiculous Song #3 - Girls Aloud, "Wake Me Up"

Was it just the margaritas or are you [unnecessary pause] talking to me?

Feels like I'm back in school

Makes me wanna break the rules!

Okay, what "feels like [you're] back in school"? Does that refer to the previous line or the next line?

If it refers to the next line: You associate being in school with breaking the rules! Rock on! Yeahhh! KISS forever! You guys are such badasses! Forget pop - you guys are the modern-day standard bearers of ROCK AND ROLL!!! You write your own songs and play your own instruments! What do you mean, you don't? Well...you opened this song with (I hope you're sitting down) a guitar...yeah, I guess you fooled me.

OR...do you feel "like [you're] back in school" because of the previous line, the cringe-worthy one about margaritas? What I really want to know is, what school serves margaritas? Because I WANT TO GO TO THAT SCHOOL.

Ridiculous Song #2 - Nsync, "If I'm Not the One"

I wanna call you up 'cause in the end

I keep writing letters to my garbage can

- Nsync, 2000

This is a random song that wasn't even released on their US albums. So how do I know of it? I don't really. I haven't heard this song in a few years but those god-awful lyrics remain stuck in my head. Writing letters to your garbage can? Really, JT? Weird shit. Well, you know, at least he's moved on from gray cylindrical receptacles to Jessica Biel...oh...erm...

Ridiculous Songs #1 - Boyzone, "Love Me For a Reason"

Love me for a reason,

Let the reason be love.

- Boyzone, 1994

People often tease me about liking shitty boybands, but then again, I never got caught up in the Boyzone or Take That craze. One song from each, maybe ("Picture of You" and "Greatest Day," respectively...they're good!). But seriously, songs like this make me almost violently ill because they are so fucking redundant. Love someone for a reason. Why? Because of love. Que?

Girl: Bobby, love me for a reason!

Boy: Okay, Cindy...well...I love you.

Girl: But WHY?

Boy: Because of love.

Girl: What?

Boy: I love you because of love. I love you because I love you.

Girl: We're done.

The video is also cringeworthy. I've seen about 20 seconds and then died of laughter. Ronan Keating...you do not give good face. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tkePfq1f6k (if you dare!)

Intro like Whoa

Hey everyone! I love music, but most of it is (admittedly cheesy) pop. I live in the US, so this becomes something people tease me about quite often. People do it lovingly, so I take it in stride, but it is at times frustrating because many other countries (e.g. the UK) are still hospitable to boybands, girlbands, and solo artists. (Quick example: Irish boyband Westlife tried to get their hit song "World of Our Own on the US radio. Radio hosts initially said yes, since they liked the song, but they rejected it once they found out it was from a boyband.)

A lot of people know me and know how I just love learning in general. I love to get lost in literature, politics, history, whatever...so people often wonder why I take such joy in lyrics like "Ain't no lie, baby, bye bye bye" or "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friend." I don't have much of an answer, except to say that I feel inclined (sorry if any of this sounds pretentious) toward intellectual books, movies, magazines, and other forms of media. When it comes to music, hey, I guess that's just an outlier.

As much as I love pop that's popular (sup redundancy) in the US as well as outside of the US, there are times when pop songs from artists I like (and dislike) make me cringe. They're either overly cheesy or just absurd/ridiculous. And when I think this of songs...well...you know it's bad. That's why I have this blog. It's all in good fun.