Ridiculous Song #18 - 98 Degrees, "The Hardest Thing"

Poor 98 degress. Legitimately talented guys who were often cast aside in favor of the flashier, "cooler" Backstreet Boys and Nsync (and Westlife!!! Just kidding, that's everywhere except where I fucking live). They just back up my theory that you can have a band with legitimately talented singers, but if they're given shitty material that isn't catchy or, well, as good, they're not going to do as well. You probably remember "Bye Bye Bye." Do you remember as many of the words to "My Everything"? That's what I thought.

Like Dr. Zhivago
All my love I'll be sending
And you will never know cuz
There can be no happy ending

Advanced literary reference in a bubblegum pop song? Say what? If it sounds like a bad idea, that's because it is. Songwriters for these sorts of bands/groups know that they need to connect to the audience, which is basically 12-year-olds (which I was when this came out, more or less). To connect, they don't need much in the way of lyrical complexity. Boyband? They want a girl because she is important and hot and they will be in love forever, ooh baby, yeahhh! The teeny-boppers get this and respond to it in the form of their parents' $$$. Did they really think the 12-year-old girls would be like, "OMG! Dr. Zhivago! I completely agree with their analysis here, as it really represents the nature of the work! ZOMG my retainer just fell out!!"? Because that's not what happens.

OH SNAP!!! This entry just became a twofer! YEAH.

Will we meet again?

Fate is a place and time.

No, it isn't. It's an abstract idea. Fate is not a place; no one says "OMG have you been to fate? It's nice - sandy beaches, hot cabana boys, and the BEST caipirinhas!" Fate is also not a time; no one says "Oh shit! I was supposed to get up for work but I accidentally woke up at fate o'clock!" Darn!" Nice try, guys.

UPDATE! (The?) Saturdays - "Issues"

Hey readers hey. I already analyzed/ripped into "Issues," a ballad by the Saturdays, a new addition to the British girl band scene (obv. Girls Aloud and the Spice Girls make it a tough act to follow). I could go back and make this a two-fer, but I'm way too lazy, so I'm just going to pick it up from here because I thought of something else. Woop woop.

Boy you leave me hanging for so long

You empty out my life until it's all gone

Righty-o. I don't think it's possible to empty out someone's life. You can drain a person's life out of them, but you see, that's actually a metaphor commonly used by humans. Emptying out life? Not so much. That's like saying "you take a walk with my feelings" or "you take my mind out dancing." They could just be metaphors, since they're surely not literal, but then again, they're not metaphors. They haven't been...ever. So it just sounds fucking weird.

Ridiculous Song #17 - Leona Lewis, Better in Time

Thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one.

Soooooooooo pointless.

(And a waste of her awesome voice. Come on, Ryan Tedder! Oh, sorry, I guess you were too busy making Halo and Already Gone sound the same...?)

Ridiculous Song #16 - 98 Degrees, "Because of You"

When you're touching me, kisses endlessly
It's just a place in the sun where our love's begun

I'm going to say the following very simply.

This song is so cheesy that it makes me question why I listen to pop music. (But then I look at Jeff Timmons, second from left, and remember. Hey Jeff. I know Nick Lachey overshadowed everyone else but no worries. I like you.)

Ridiculous Song #15 - High School Musical, "We're All in This Together"

Yep, I know that's just Zac Efron, but I think he's the most visually important element of High School Musical.

We're not the same

We're different in a good way

Way to set up false dichotomies. You establish different as being "in a good way," thereby making it possible for something to be "different in a bad way." Look, I know Walt Disney was an anti-Semite, but now being different potentially could be bad?

The multicultural group of kids on Movie Surfers was a FUCKING LIE.

Ridiculous Song #14 - Girls Aloud, "No Good Advice"

Before I address this hoot-nanny of lyrics (I just wanted to use that word), can we just look at that picture? I searched Google Images (as I do for all of these) for "Girls Aloud 2003." AKA when they were starting out, AKA when I didn't know who they were, AKA so much awkwardness that it would a grown man cry. Guys can look at Girls Aloud (Gorls Alyde for Nuhdeen) and think that they're so hot, man. Whereas girls like me can look at them as inspiration for their own style...JUST NOT IN THIS PICTURE. From left to right, we've got: Awkward unflattering pose, looks like a rejected Disney villain, if she can make the leap from that to national style icon then there is hope for everyone, slutty but her face makes it look as if her brain just died (sexy? no no no. GET IT OMG), and awkward skirt material ginger lady. FAIL.

Daddy told me, look into the future

Sit at your computer

Be a good girl

What good dad tells his daughter to look into the future (hi, that's impossible), and worse yet, sit at the computer? Shouldn't a dad (esp. one that they'd complain about) tell his daughter to do her homework or wash the dishes or take care of one of her younger siblings or something useful? These lyrics suck because they don't make sense. What dad tells his daughter to just randomly surf the net or play computer games instead of getting shit done? "I know you have a biology (I AM HILARIOUS) test tomorrow, but you should go on Facebook for a few hours, and then play some Bejeweled." THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

Ridiculous Song #13 - Taylor Swift, "Our Song"

I was riding shotgun with my hair undone

In the front seat of his car
He's got a one-hand feel on the steering wheel
The other on my heart

The other hand is on your heart? Is it, though? Because it sounds like something people do in private, and not in a fucking car. Come on, Taylor, how can you expect to respect yourself when a guy can't respect you? I'm glad we had this talk, and yes, I already made your lunch for tomorrow.

This blog just had a three-way love child with What Taylor Swift's Mom Would Say and an after-school special. Do you need to wonder anymore why it's the shit?